WE WIN.

The Head Comrade in Charge has this to say about the passage of the healthcare reform achieved by all Loyal Comrades in the Arm of State –

We win.

We know what is best for Amerika.  And you will like it.  Or be audited by our new Empowered Agency – the IRS.

Suck it up, Dissenters.

W E . W I N .

Evil Capitalist Health Insurers are put on notice

Update from our Lightbulb Czar regarding the Evil Capitalist Health Insurers.

Today, we strike a blow to the Evil Capitalist Health Insurers that have been resisting the Truthium and Hopium of our Head Comrade in Charge and inciting the Angry Pestiferous Mob to revolt.  I, the Lightbilb Czar have had another fantastic idea!  The Evil Capitalist Health Insurers are hereby put on notice that there is nowhere to hide –

We demand immediate compliance and submission to the State of the following information:

• a table identifying employees compensated more than $500,000 between 2003-2008, along with the “annual value of each of the following components of the individual’s compensation:”
• Salary, bonus, grant & realized values of stock & options awarded, non-equity incentive plans, change in pension values, and all other compensations
• a table identifying all board members and individual compensations
• a table listing conferences, retreats, etc along with the purpose and the expenses
• from 2003-2008, a table listing the company’s total revenues, net income, and total dividend payments,
• documents relating to compensation plans
• documents listing general or administrative expenses, with specific data requested
• a table identifying what all employees had for breakfast on the third Wednesday of every month from 2003-2008, including cost of that breakfast
• a graph depicting the color of undergarments that Board Members typically wear as they meet and devise their Evil Capitalist plans
• Receipts for donations made to the Members of Congress of the State from 2003-2008 so that the evidence may be covered up that any of our Czars have received large sum donations from the Evil Capitalist Health Insurers
• Any provocative pictures of the wives or mistresses to be reviewed privately by the Lightbulb Czar himself

We will not tolerate any refusal or whining of Constitutional Rights.  As everyone knows, the Constitution is a living breathing document that is to be manipulated and interpreted however is convenient for our purposes.  You will not seek refuge behind the Constitution, Evil Capitalists!  We will assimilate or destroy you!  And expose your Evil breakfast habits as well!

COMPLY NOW EVIL CAPITALIST HEALTH INSURERS!  WE SHINE THE LIGHTBULB OF SUBMISSION UPON YOU!

Help Wanted – Operation Astroturf

Welcome Comrades!  We are here to launch our new August Mission – Operation Astroturf!  We have been observing and noting the outbursts of these militant radical rightwing political terrorists and we have decided the best way to handle the situation is a swift and unequivocal SMACKDOWN.  Plus, it looks really bad that our State Sponsored Officials are cowering in their offices while the UNAmerican Angry Mob terrorizes them.  We had to promise new jets before the State Sponsored Officials would appear at a few townhalls.

So, The Head Comrade in Charge has decided upon a new tactic.  We will overwhelm them with our numbers!  We will find and hire those Comrades that are willing to sell their integrity to push our Message and carry our creative pre-printed signs.  We will overwhelm these UNAmericans with the numbers of Comrades who will carry signs and fight back in return for payment.

We have placed innumerable ads for new Loyal Comrades that would like to receive State Benefits by participating in Operation Smackdown.  The Head Comrade in Charge has generously approved salary ranges of up to $16 dollars for new Comrade Leaders.  And who said that We have not created jobs??

Please review the new Government Sponsored positions and send your resumes today!

• Sign Carrying Comrades – no experience necessary!  In fact, we do not even require you to be able to read the sign that you will be carrying!  We launched this position in Colorado to support the Czar of Botax and it was a resounding success.  We will also provide translators so that you can speak to the State Run Media and share your very sad story of how you have illegally entered Amerika and have had to live on the generosity of the tax paying UNAmericans.  Remember Illegal Comrades – the State is supporting you!  and please remember to register with the DNC for election 2010.

• Purple Shirt Organizers – Purple is a Happy Comrade Color!  Since our Brother & Sister Comrades already have plenty of Purple Shirts, we will simply be paying for new Members to join their ranks!  No experience is necessary but you must have the ability to follow directions on the field of battle, throw a mean right hook, and have no problem ganging up on defenseless UNAmerican flag sellers.  Please submit your location to the State Department of Transportation and we will send a bus to your front door to pick you up!

• Warm Body Comrades – Again, we make getting a State Sponsored job easy!  This position simply requires that you enter all townhall meetings through the back door and sit in as many seats as possible so we can explain to the Angry Mob UNAmericans that there is no room for them in the public meeting.  Job Requirements are only that you wear street clothes and have no interest in asking ridiculous questions that will make the State Sponsored Elected Official uncomfortable.  Bring a friend or five and sign up today!

• Pre-Screen Coordinators – This position allows you to work hand in hand with the toadies of our State Sponsored Officials.  You will be given a checklist of 133 Loyalty Test Questions to ask prospective townhall attendees.  The questions are easy!  Examples:  Do you love our Head Comrade In Charge and give up all free thought to follow him in Truthium & Hopium?   Are you registered with Organize for America and can you prove it?  Are you willing to have the Head Comrade In Charge take over all aspects of your own life for your own good?  After the potential attendee has correctly answered the questions and partaken in the Refreshing Koolaid drink, you will issue them a ticket, a creative and lovely pre-printed sign, and one or two simple pre-printed questions for them to ask.  You must be able to ignore the shouts of the UNAmerican Angry Mob as you pass them by in issuing tickets.  We will provide 2-3 Devout Purple Shirts who look appropriately menacing per Coordinator to handle the doors at the town halls.

• Comrade Goon Squad – Due to the resistance shown by the UNAmerican Angry Mob, we require Comrades who are willing to perform security against the UNAmerican Angry Mob Masses.  You must look appropriately menacing and be willing to knock the heads of the militant radical rightwing extremists that are attempting to infiltrate our public meetings and deter the spreading of Truthium and Hopium.  You must be willing to push and shove the Seniors that are obviously suffering from Dementia and prevent them from being heard.  You will work in a tactical unit that travels together to slam the doors in the face of the UNAmerican Angry Mobs and attacks defenseless opponents of Our Message.  This position includes combat bonuses for each time that you physically foil the plans of the UNAmerican Angry Mob to be heard.

• Leaders of the not-so-intelligent Masses –  As we recruit and pay enormous numbers of Comrades to join our ranks, we need Leaders that are able to inspire and encourage those in other positions.  You must be able to give speeches about how the State is here to help them and that is proven by the fact that the Head Comrade in Charge just wants to take care of them!  He is just like Santa Claus and they will reap the benefits of having the State involved in every aspect of their lives.  This position allows for growth as we will need Smarter-than-not-smart-at-all Comrades to partake in election rigging and Census taking in 2010.  You must have prior experience of selling ice to Eskimos and have no moral fortitude.  We will provide our State Hero’s book to all new Leaders- Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals.  You will also get to meet Comrades in Charge like our Czar of Deathcare and Czar of Tomfoolery! Please apply at your local SEIU, ACORN, HCAN, OFA, and DNC Offices.  This is our highest paying position – $11-$16 per hour!

Wonderful Comrades!  Please rush to fill these positions so that we may further skew the Unemployment and Job Creation numbers!  As well, we offer simple transfer from the Welfare Rolls to the State Payroll!  Check craigslist for all new positions in an area near you!

WE APPRECIATE YOU!  And be assured that The Head Comrade In Charge is here to take care of YOU!

Memo from the Head Comrade in Charge regarding Mission Fishy

Hello Comrades and Soon to be Converted Comrades!

I am writing to disseminate information from the Head Comrade in Charge!  We would like you to begin observing your neighbors and family and friends so we may ferret out the traitors confused individuals that are spreading lies about our super-wonderful-gollygee-gotta-have-it-healthcare that we are forcing on gifting to the American Peoples soon to be Comrades.

We have set up an intake system to correct these individuals that do not want to accept our gift of super-wonderful-gollygee-gotta-have-it-healthcare.  Comrades that get with our program will be awarded with secret positions within our movement – we call them deputy czars!

Here is your mission, Comrades – we are counting on you:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/Facts-Are-Stubborn-Things/

There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care.  These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation.  Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to flag@whitehouse.gov.